My Miserable Fail or Was It?
Last month I was challenged to give something for 30 days straight and to write about the experience. As with any challenge I jumped in 100% and was excited to share my experience of giving with the world. Well, it’s 22 days into the challenge and I feel the challenge has completely went in a direction that I never expected it to. For the first 10 days of giving, it felt good but then all of the sudden overnight, the whole challenge did a 180 on me and has progressively each day made me very much like a big failure. See, it’s not that I failed at giving, but emotionally the process has been very heavy and felt very wrong. So for the last 2 weeks, I have done some powerful self-work and discovery. For me, self-work and discovery isn’t anything new, but it’s the first time in along time the work has become very painful for me and has brought to the surface many different emotions.
So as I peel back the layers of these emotions trying to find the root of the feelings, the one feeling that has completely consumed me like a black cloud is guilt. Over the years, I have been a very generous giver because I feel it is very important to give back, especially to those who do need it. But this goes way deeper! As most now, I am very private and choose to keep to myself and not talk about the things I have done or given in the past. Honestly, I have done so pretty heavy things, never for the public to know about and I’m sure there are quite a few individuals who would be happy to confirm this but wouldn’t because of my request for them to never speak about it. No matter how small or big the gift, it has always been the same to me. My gift of giving was just because I was called to do it. If it didn’t feel natural, then it was my confirmation not to do it. So I guess my guilt comes from this very un-natural feeling that has consumed me during this process. I have always given naturally and throughout this experience it has felt completely forced for me. Just because it has felt forced to me doesn’t make it wrong to give, but for me, it does.
Also, the feeling of being a very selfish man has also completely consumed me. Selfish because I have been afforded this amazing life and here I am having all these crazy emotions. I feel selfish and guilty for having emotions like these in general, and this goes deep. I mean real deep! Everything I have worked to achieve in my life has come at a price and that price if added up, I’m sure would be staggering. I have a tendency to put up this front and always come across as this strong individual, but the reality is, I feel very sad and embarrassed at times. I’m sad that I don’t do more for certain individuals in my life and I’m sad I have hurt so many people throughout my path in life. As I continued with this giving experience it really brought these sad feelings to the surface. Then I feel embarrassed because I haven’t done more for these certain individuals, and have hurt many individuals along my path. This all comes full circle making me feel very selfish. I don’t like it!
Two other feelings that have been weighing on me very heavy are loneliness and resentment. I put these two together for a reason, so I’ll explain the best I can. You know, in the act of giving, it needs to be selfless. 100% selfless! Anyone who knows me, knows I am very selfless and do things without ever expecting anything in return. Just accepting my gift if thanks enough for me. BUT, when people don’t accept a gift I give them, I find myself becoming resentful which in turn makes me really question myself. In that questioning of myself (and there are so many crazy questions that go through my mind), it gets very personal and dark at times, which puts me in a very lonely place. I don’t like that dark and lonely place, but once I’m there, it’s brutal. I shutdown completely, I shut out everyone in my life and that is exactly what I have done for the last two weeks. The best way I can explain it is that I’m in a blender being spun around and every once in a while I get enough strength to pop my head up to get air and then I get pulled right back down to the bottom of that blender. It’s a vicious cycle and it’s dark and something I have to improve in my life. As I reflect at this moment, it had been a long time since emotions like these have reared their heads and I believe they did for a reason and at the right time. At least at this point in my life, I am aware and that is a lot more than I can say about myself 18 months ago.
To finish, have you ever had one of those days where nothing sounds good such as food, any activity, TV, music, company, etc? Seriously, this has been my last 2 weeks and my mind has been in this thick cloud of uncertainty and overall confusion in my life. As for my daily giving journal, no one will ever see it and has been deleted. Those gifts, along with all past and future gifts will go to the afterlife with me. That is my gift to myself, the gift of staying true to myself and continuing to do so.
So, maybe a lot of you will look at my experience as one big failure and that is fine, BUT, I am happy for the opportunity in the end, because if not presented to me, I would not have been forced to do this self-work that I have been enduring and will continue to endure. As I always say, the universe unfolds as it should and this opportunity was obviously brought to me for a higher reason than to just give. So, to my friend who afforded me this opportunity, I am thankful and so very grateful! Thank you and my deepest apologies if I failed you.